There is one time of the year that, as a Browns fan, stands above all other times of the year. NFL draft time. Yes, the Draft is literally upon us. ‘Literally’ in the sense that I literally spilled a literal draft beer upon my own probably-literal self. Us, in the sense that my corporeal form is a somewhat voluntary host for the spirits of Gaius Julius Caesar (please don’t call him Caligula; it’s demeaning) and also Alexander the Great.
Like these two body invaders, I, as a Browns fan, greatly enjoy the NFL draft. There is no greater joy in this world – or any other world – than the prospect of dictating to 20-year-olds the course of the next three years of their life; if you were wondering, by the way, I do very much enjoy playing SimCity. I, Gaius Julius Caesar Alexander Magnus Ralph, shall build the world’s greatest SimCity empire, filled with prosperous high-density commercial zones, only to sneer at their lamentations when an earthquake rends earth from sky in the world they thought they had mastered. Hubris must be punished, vain Ralphopolis. I am your reckoning. Continue reading