It’s still kind of surprising to me that I bought one of these things. It’s embarrassing, really, that I’m buying a book just to let out my feelings. I feel really stupid.
Have you ever lost someone close to you? Not, like, they died or anything. Just – have you seen someone you used to be good friends with drift away? It wasn’t as though they were my closest friend in the world – what Andrelton and I had was – we were really close. But I’m not trying to make a friendship-ranking here; I’m not Buzzfeed and friendships aren’t listicles. I just want to let the Cleveland outfield know that I miss them.
God, it’s just so… stupid, to write that in a diary. ‘You’re just a baseball,’ is what my conscience tells me, ‘so go out and actually tell them. Be the bigger man.’ Baseball, I guess is correct. Be the bigger baseball. Not literally bigger, so as to violate MLB regulations, but figuratively. I need to mend bridges between me and the Cleveland outfield. That’s what my conscience tells me.
But why should I be better than the world? I try to make inroads – I try to meet them halfway, but they make absolutely no effort to reciprocate. I’ve at least tried to swallow my pride. But Brantley, Raburn, Bourn and Murphy – I think I’ve made it easy for them to at least approach me or do something to cushion my fall. But each time I try, it’s just like – it’s like this:
Brantley doesn’t catch me on the fly – alright, whatever, if you don’t want to talk to me, then it’s a free country. But not only does he not catch me, he uses me to throw the guy out at second. Okay, so he uses my attempt to approach him to his own advantage, making himself out to be the good guy, and I’m the bad guy in all of this. I’m bursting at the seams in anger.
Yeah, okay, I could have been a little closer. Maybe it was a tough play. Did I screw up? Sure. I could have done better. It was a hard play. But Brantley’s a professional baseball player. He’s paid to make hard plays, and he hasn’t done that once. Did he ever once consider that it was hard for me to even get that close?
Ryan’s no exception, either. I’ve been even more direct with him, but he finds some route to avoid me. Even David and Bournie are avoiding me.
I used to be friends with these guys. Now it’s like I don’t exist. Do I need to go directly at them for them to remember the friendship we used to have? Because it seems not a single one of them is going to go out of their way at all to find me.
It’s so messed up. They’re not going to be viewed as the bad guys unless I go directly at them and they let me down. Brantley knows better than to do that. He’s just not going to go out of his way to help me. Michael knows how to not be perceived as the bad guy, and he does it well: he isn’t perceived as having trouble fielding me.
But perception isn’t reality. I, of all people/inanimate objects, should know.