Cleveland Sports Insiders

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Deluded Ralph Individually Flips Each of His Shits About Kluber

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Patience is a virtue instilled in each of us from a young age. From the outset, it is poured into us by parents (or in the case of Tarzan, benevolent gorillae) like waffle batter, and very much like waffle batter, it is surveilled thereafter to determine whether the batter of knowledge has blossomed into the waffles of patience.

And if patience is a waffle, I am IHOP: I, RalpHOP , begrudgingly serve patience, but I don’t openly advertise it, and moreover, I typically only converse with the intoxicated. Yea verily, I am presently impatient and conversing with the intoxicated as we speak – ‘we,’ of course, refers tautologically to the aformentioned drinkyfolk – ‘as we speak’ only incidentally occurs at the time of writing; this account’s writing, whimsically, happens to occur inside an International House of Panc#DIV/0!

Yet for Zion’s Eggnog Pancakes’ sake, I shall not be silent – and I sound the trumpets of Cincinnatus! Cleveland must be defended! Patience must be discarded like a former NCAA football player, and we must declare that the future of the Cleveland Indians’ rotation does not lie with Corey Kluber.

“But Ralph,” the wronged priests of Kluber claim, “3.1 Innings is a small sample size!” Ralph, they say. 3.1 innings, they continue. Small sample size, they regrettably don’t stop saying. Let’s order waffles, they better the hell not say.

Sample size is a worry only of milquetoast appeasers. ‘It’s just one territory,’ Kluber supporters might have whimpered in 1938, ‘We’ve gotta assume that Hitler’s Territory Annexations are going to regress to his career mean of 0.00!’  Wrong again, nerds.

We must take speedy action. Corey Kluber clearly cannot remain in the rotation for any longer. We must instead gyrate our phone dials until piping hot, asking all who will listen to take Corey Kluber. Of course, we can’t simply replace Kluber from within – everyone else in the system had high WHIPs in Spring Training; we can’t, shouldn’t – indeed, mustn’t – trustn’t anyone inside our system. Instead, we must deal for a proven arm, one whose arm has already found a pitching groove most tubular in 2014, pitching 6 no-hit innings against the Milwaukee Brewers just today.

What the Indians must do, therefore, is trade Corey Kluber for Aaron Harang. Throw in some waffles and/or gorillas if you must.


Author: The Zach Walters Appreciation Guild


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